Lox Rambles: On Drama

[Loxmardin]

The Art of Relaxing

So, really, this post was born out of sitting and listening to a certain song on repeat for near an hour. An important subject to discuss, though, and I'm going to go on a ramble about the art of relaxation and distancing for a bit here. Even though it's possibly irrelevant to the current situation on Conquest of the Horde. It might become relevant again some day, so it's just as well that I put something down about it since I see it was insightfull and of utmost importance. Don't mind the typos you're likely to find throughout this post, heh.

THE "ISSUE"

We see many arguements and very heated discussions here on CotH. That's a fact. Why is that, though? What is it that makes so many of our discussions heat up so much? Why do we get so upset over things that we're willing to start throwing bile at eachother?

Most often, it's in response to certain decisions being made by the community staff, from what I've seen. Not everyone's going to like the decision that has been made since it's more than likely to change something that was present before; Much to some peoples' dismay and thorough displeasure. Such is completely understandable. Some people are perfectly happy with the way things were and would rather not have things change since it already worked before. On the other side of the coin, there's those who are positive towards the change and have hopes for the situation improving with the introduction of something new or change of something already established.

Two sides of the same coin rarely get along, though. They've got different motives and everything.

Other times, it's a discussion on a sensitive topic brought up by someone. Anyone. No one in particular, most of the time. The discussion goes on peacefully in the beginning until people start disagreeing on something petite, most of the time. A detail. A formulation. Mind, it's not always that it's something petite and completely unimportant in the greater picture, but we all know how something small can grow to something tremendous with the right amount of fuel and nutrition. It doesn't matter who starts the fire as long as there's a spark, and the storm's on before you know it. We've got very dry ground and scarce rain seasons here in Durotar, so it's ill advised to play with fire.

In a community like this, it's only natural that disagreements happen. We're all different people from different places all over the world, and thank God for that (or whichever supreme diety you revere). ... I'd prefer to thank Mother Nature, I suppose. We are bound to have different opinions on things based in our individual values, cultural influences as well as how we were raised, amongst other things. A grand combination of circumstance that makes you who you are, and what makes us all so very different from eachother (while some could argue that we're not all that different despite what we tell ourselves). We express a lot of different viewpoints when we argue and discuss - in many different ways and flavours.

This causes conflict, of course. Since we're not going to agree with eachother on everything or like the way some people think. That's just how we work. Once we get set in our beliefs, we're stubborn as few creatures on this planet. Admirable, really. But it can get pretty annoying, depending on the discussion. I think we've all been in a situation sometime where you can't help but grind your teeth and think "This person is just not listening!". Not necessarily on CotH, but it's not completely unlikely that it's happened here, hehe. I know I have. Plenty of times.

We're a tight-knit community here, which makes it more likely that things blow loud and bright as soon as there's a spark. We're grinding on eachothers' nerves in a whole other way since we expose ourselves to eachother on a near daily basis for some of us. Things that would only be mildly annoying normally become really grating after a while since you see it all the time. And the more you see it, the worse it gets. In a way, the contact we have to eachother here on CotH is more intimate than what we usually have to people we meet in RL. We can communicate without boundaries here on the internet and we're usually much more receptiveto people that we don't actually know personally. Since we keep seeing them around even if we don't know them, and we're almost forced to listen to their viewpoints on things and matters, whether we like it or not.

All things considered, it's not so strange that things get heated once in a while, right?
Is it necessary, though?

No, absolutely not.

It's perfectly understandable that it happens. But I think we can all agree to some degree that we can feel pretty stupid after an arguement is over and done. Especially if we're the kind that gets especially involved, heh. When you get really passionate about something, it tends to feel embarassing afterwards unless you're valiantly sticking with your principles. Applauds for that, if that's the case. I know I tend to feel a bit stupid sometimes, though, no matter if people agreed with me during the arguement or not. I don't feel too comfortable knowing that I left my comfort zone to potentially ridicule myself in public by saying things I'll later regret. And believe me when I say that I regret a lot of things I've said in the past. Some things on CotH and outside of it.

Plus, I know that I can easily be misunderstood in arguements. Since I write in a very certain way and peoples' way of reading what I say changes dramatically during heated discussions. There's no need to read between the lines in my posts, but people do it anyway. Come to think of it, people do that a lot to everyone in discussions. That's another reason why we disagree so much. We read and react to the "unspoken words". Some that aren't necessarily even there.

When we argue, too, we might have a hard time holding everything that isn't actually part of the arguement out of it. If your life stands on end normally, away from the forum, there's a pretty significant risk of it all pouring into the arguement when it starts to get heated. If you get upset, it's only natural that all the stuff you're carrying around already is going to make the situation even worse for you in some way. And this goes out over the people of the community, by this being poured into your posts so everyone else gets slapped in the face with anger, frustration, sadness and disappointment. Most people don't react so well to that sort of thing, understandably, even if it's almost never intentional. This creates an unfortunate chain effect that makes the arguement all the worse and creates a very bad environment for us all, in the end.

And a bad environment, as we know, enables this sort of thing to continue endlessly until someone finally has enough and ends it by force. But, when it's ended by force, the frustration is often still there. It becomes residual. Unreasonably, more often than naught. Since we're such stubborn beings. This gives fuel for the next problem down the road and we'll just be bitter and angry at eachother all the time.

Doesn't that just blow?

It kind of does, heh. There are a few things we can do to get around this kind of vicious cycle, though. And to make ourselves feel a bit better about coming here as often as we do to associate with our fellow community members.

• 1. TAKE A BREATHER
  
  So you've had a really bad day, possibly. You woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It was raining this morning, and you don't actually like rain. Someone didn't do the dishes last night so there were no clean glasses left when you went to get your orange juice. And you love that juice. Or your coffee. Whichever you prefer in the morning. You may have had a perfectly fine morning, too! You see that there's this arguement on the forums, and it happens to be one that you have very strong opinions about. You also see that there's a ton of people posting opinions and ideas that you wouldn't normally stand for. Some of them are even stupid, in your eyes. Slowly, but surely, you get frustrated. You want to get involved with this and start correcting the wrongs.
  
  Wait! Hold it right there.
  
  You're about to post in a topic you are very passionate about. And you feel, yourself, that you may be a little too into this arguement. Would it really be a good idea to post right now? Chances are, you should probably breathe for a moment and relax before you post. Clear your thoughts so you know what you want to say and to whom. What point you want to make. Once you know, you sit down and make that post again if it still feels important enough to you. Your opinion is always valuable, so it's better if you do post something to those topics you feel are important. Just do it when you have your thoughts in the right place. Else, they'll most likely come out the wrong way, and that leaves room for others to misinterpret your words. And "twist" them, even. Be calm and collected when you enter a debate lest you risk making a fool out of yourself. And that kind of thing doesn't help anyone's mood.
  
  2. IS IT IMPORTANT?
  
  You see this topic and you see that people are responding to it like crazy. You're thinking of making your own reply, as well. You're not so interested in the actual subject of the topic. More about peoples' arguements and you'd love to put some people back in their place.
  
  Is it really important to you, though? Would it add to the discussion in any way? ... Is it necessary?
  
  If you can't positively answer these questions about the post you're about to make, maybe you should reconsider. Sometimes, a post out of the blue that makes no point to the discussion other than to twist and discuss peoples' opinions or to nitpick on their arguements and their words. Some people really don't take well to these kinds of things. Especially not in public. If you have to give friendly pointers, it could probably be done better in a PM, if that's what it's about. But, most of the time, it's not valuable to the discussion to get involved with it in a way that doesn't bring it closer to a resolution of any kind.
  
  If it doesn't add to it, it only delays it. And puts a lot of pressure on some peoples' nerves in the process.
  
  3. DOES THESE PANTS MAKE MY--- I MEAN, DOES THIS POST MAKE ME LOOK BAD?
  
  If you aren't sure about how people will receive you when you post, you may wish to have someone else read it over first before you publish it. Maybe you've had people speak to you before about the way you write, or you'be just been misunderstood one too many times. It's all as valid a reason to look for help in formulating what it is you want to say. It certainly can't hurt. One or two good and trustworthy friends could probably help you out.

There are many ways to make the community a brighter, better place. It has to start with attitude, though, and simply looking over what you say one extra time. And, to stop taking everything everyone says so very seriously. Many people have preached this during the last few patches of drama, and I can only agree.

When all else fails, sing some Hakuna Matata. Is it really worth your time and effort to get upset over something that's going on? If there are too many elves wandering about the server? If all the roleplay is centered around certain areas? Is it worth it? And, more importantly... The more annoyed you get, the more annoyed people get around you. It's a vicious process, but hey. It's there and it blows big time.

... I think I rambled for long enough.

TL;DR:

[Kira13]

I'll make sure to come on this thread every time I either do drama, get drama, or people begin kidding about the things that I despise.
Thank you, Lox, you're awesome!

[Lunaxy]

While I agree with the first post, it will hardly change anything. People apparently like drama/heated discussions and etc. Perhaps one or two players will stop and go like..


I myself tend to bother people who bother me, then laugh over it. It's funny... Most of the time. Nonetheless, great post!

[Piroska]

A lot of it boils down to misunderstanding or a lack of communication. Conquest of the Horde is particularly sensitive to this because:

1. It's exceedingly hard to communicate over text and nearly everything we do is text-based; and
   
2. We have so many people of differing backgrounds (and languages!), so we occasionally encounter unexpected barriers to communication.

I'd like to follow up on your third point, Loxxy, and reiterate that the way that we communicate does help or hinder our efforts. There are ways to say something that should hopefully not cause ire in a reasonable person.

A lot of posts that get written on the forums are intended to be humorous or flippant, but do not come across that way. It's very easy for people to take offense to these remarks. For example, since returning to Conquest of the Horde, I've seen on these forums:

• People berate others for expressing their opinions;
  
• Ridicule when people post something that may not be entirely correct; and
  
• An individual claim that a profile written by a non-native English speaker "offends" him because of the writing and (admittedly) poor understanding lore.

I know that I am not immune to being misunderstood. I tend to have a very formal writing voice and I am very aware that it makes me sound aloof. It has also undermined my attempts to be supportive because my efforts to thank others or recognize them have come across as being insincere or even mocking.

Bottom line? Be inclusive, not exclusive. Be helpful, not detrimental.

Also, I think it's important not to reply to a thread when people are discussing something with a comment about how drama always appears. Or people never change. Or how the thread is pointless. I know that in the past I've felt a little upset because replies like that diminish and trivialize my (and others'!) opinions. You may not feel that something is important, but if people are holding a discussion it's fairly likely that they feel that it's important.

It's one thing to step in to help calm others or restore order. It's another to join a discussion just to deride others, their opinions, and their efforts to share them.

[Loxmardin]

Also, I think it's important not to reply to a thread when people are discussing something with a comment about how drama always appears. Or people never change. Or how the thread is pointless. I know that in the past I've felt a little upset because replies like that diminish and trivialize my (and others'!) opinions. You may not feel that something is important, but if people are holding a discussion it's fairly likely that they feel that it's important.

It's one thing to step in to help calm others or restore order. It's another to join a discussion just to deride others, their opinions, and their efforts to share them.

Exactly. This was part of what I was intending on touching upon in the second pointer at the end of the post, though I was very vague, I feel. I was more "in general" and just brushed against it lightly.

This sort of thing also falls in under our number one rule of "Respect" on the server.

While it's often so that heated debates are a repetition of something that has already been discussed, loads of people in the debate strike the same chords as eachother, and that the discussion sometimes doesn't really get anywhere and probably won't give a long-lasting reaction... (True change takes time, is why.)

It doesn't excuse the behaviour that some put on display when these discussions occur, where the only purpose of their input is to berate others in the discussion, their opinions, or the existance of the discussion itself. It's unnecessary and rude. And it certainly doesn't help anyone or add anything to the discussion past more frustration to it's participants.